i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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