hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
