if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
