she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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