By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
