in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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