my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize