the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
