My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
