I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize