thus making me awesome and them whores
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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