phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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