I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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