imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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