I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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