I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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