she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
