i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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