yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
