im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
