I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
