I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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