sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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