I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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