Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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