She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
