I will die if light touches me.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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