I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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