meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
