dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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