Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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