My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
