she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize