Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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