I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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