The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
