i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
