dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
