I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
