so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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