Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
