I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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