not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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