i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
