im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
