If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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