You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
