i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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