my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
