Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
