someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
