Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He felt like a one man threesome
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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