I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
