I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
