we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
