the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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