glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
