After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
